Who I Am
by blueoceans1265
Summary: A continuation of River's story. Something that happened after, and before. Just a little one shot that hit me one afternoon. Read and review, please!


**I DO NOT OWN DOCTOR WHO!**

_Rule #1: The Doctor lies._

But I don't think he meant to. Not this time.

_Apparently, you used all your remaining regenerations in one go._

That's what my mother said to me. But that's what he told her. Maybe he really thought that. That's what I like to think, anyway.

But it definitely wasn't the truth.

* * *

We were going backwards, backwards, backwards all the time. He was going backwards for me, and I was going backwards for him. I don't really know why. But that last time, he tried to save me by literally saving me: downloading "me" into the computer system of the Library.

And it worked.

Sort of.

Somehow, I had at least one regeneration left. Sure, the Library downloaded me, but it must have just made a copy or something.

So why didn't he see me? Why doesn't he know?

He can't see me.

But, _spoilers._

* * *

Regeneration is a funny thing. You don't always end up as the same kind of thing you were before. I didn't want to be what I am now, still don't, but I can't really do much about it.

Now, I'm the stuff nightmares are made of. I can't even get close enough to tell him what's happened. I mean, there is a way. There is a way, and I saw it happen once, and it was horrible. He wouldn't want me do that. I don't want to do that, either.

All I can do is wait. And hope. Wait and hope that I'll see him again, that maybe I'll regenerate, that maybe this can all work out. I've not much hope for that last one though.

These things, these very strange creatures, they don't even understand love. All they can comprehend is hunger, and how to sate it. I have to hide that I feel other things so that they don't turn on me. Except for one. One of them is starting to ask questions, which is dangerous, but I think that, like me, this may not be her original (or, perhaps, her final) form.

She is the closest thing to a "friend" that I have, a concept absolutely unknown to these monsters.

* * *

Finally, I found him. The Doctor. Only, he wasn't _my _Doctor; he was much too young. Still, I thought that maybe if I could get to him, we could fix this. But I was wrong. He runs from my kind (oh, what a horrid phrase, to have to be associated with these abominations), and I can't even touch him.

I can't even touch my own husband any longer.

The only thing that keeps me going, that keeps the waiting and hoping from driving me crazy, is remembering the times that we had together before this mess happened. When he would come visit me in my cell, or that stupid bow tie he thought was so cool.

What I would give now to see that bow tie on him again.

* * *

I may have found him, but I was too late. Another one touched him, took him away. However, he left the TARDIS. A girl was following his trail of clues to bring it back to him, so I followed her. The rest of them followed her too.

I played my part perfectly. Only my friend has ever realized that I was different. I was terrifying, just like the rest of them.

She was always just one step ahead of us, thanks to the Doctor. Then she led us into the basement. She had the key. It was there, waiting for her.

As soon as I saw it, saw the TARDIS, I knew what they were planning. And I knew what the others would do. And I knew what I had to do, to ensure that the Doctor, my Doctor, my husband, my love, would even exist in my past.

So I did it.

The girl and boy ran to the TARDIS, and she let them in with the key. The other three with me surrounded it, and though I knew what would happen, I joined them. Completed the square around the box. We started shaking it, and it began to disappear. Then it was gone.

And now, we all are stuck. I am stuck.

* * *

I'm not sure if the others are still alive, but I assume they are because I am still quantum-locked in this position. I don't know what's been keeping them going. The only thing that's keeping me going is my memories. Memories of him. Things he's said. Memories of my parents. Maybe I'll get out of this somehow. Maybe he'll rescue me this time.

I'm not holding my breath.

All I know is, when I imagined being his angel for all eternity, this is not the kind of angel I meant.

* * *

_I don't know where he is, or what he's doing, but trust me: he's on his way…_

_I speak everything. Don't I, Melody Pond?..._

…_Who are you?..._

_And you are forgiven. Always and completely forgiven…_

_Hi honey I'm home…_

_I'll make it a good one…_

_Look into my eye…_

_Can I trust you, River Song?_


End file.
